relationship self-sabotage
Dating in a modern world: Am I Self-Sabotaging?
Attachment and Relationship Expectations
Humans are intrinsically motivated to search for loving connections.
However, for some, there are competing needs, such as the need for self-protection. Individuals who prioritise self-protective goals as opposed to connectedness goals when facing stress in relationships can fall into maladaptive patterns of attitudes and behaviours, which can diminish their chances of a fulfilling intimate relationship.
Attachment-based behaviours such as avoidance or being fearful of intimacy with a partner can create a channel for that belief to become reality and for the relationship to eventually fail (Rusk & Rothbaum, 2010). It is possible that insecure attachment styles might be contributing to a cycle of romantic self-sabotage, where some individuals would be likely to continually destroy every relationship they have, or no longer engage in relationships (Peel et al., 2019).
Linking insecure attachment styles to self-defeating qualities, such as expectation of rejection and fear of intimacy, could explain relationship sabotage. For example, anxiously attached individuals may expect rejection, and consequently overreact to perceived threatening situations. Specifically, anxious attachment style triggers ‘activation’ strategies and behaviours such as paranoia, whilst avoidant attachment style will employ deactivation strategies such as deflection, or the desire to prematurely end the relationship for fear of loss of ‘freedom,’ or not living up to their partner’s ‘standards’ (Mikulincer et al., 2003).
Self-esteem, and other mental health issues such as depression, are also largely connected to self-defeating behaviours (Wei and Ku, 2007). These are often developed by an individual as a strategy to block feelings of personal distress (for example, potential rejection).
Altogether, these patterns can obstruct relationship success, which in turn justifies failure. Individuals may establish self-protective goals to offset potential fear, or for the management of possible upsetting outcomes and this can contribute to recurring romantic self-sabotage (Peel et al., 2019).
Dating in the modern world where everything feels disposable
Those who have been single for an extended period of time may experience feelings of hopelessness, unwillingness or very little desire to pursue romantic relationships. This may be based on a fear of failure, past relationship experiences, or the current dating climate. In many ways, modern ways of finding a partner, such as online dating has made finding people to potentially date much more accessible. The potential downside to online dating apps concerns the sheer volume of people that are ‘available’ to date.
Opportunities seem almost endless as far as a ‘dating pool’ is concerned, which may lead to an attitude of indifference toward pursuing a suitable match. On an app, an individual is primarily assessed by their appearance, which may not be an accurate representation of the person in real life. The bonds formed over the screen tend to be superficial, and individuals may not see a potential partner as being outstanding, unique or having the possibility to develop into anything long-term and long-lasting. Further to this, if a perceived flaw is recognised by a potential partner, the partner does not exhibit ‘perfection,’ or may seem like too much effort will be required, unhelpful behaviours such as ‘ghosting,’ may be executed.
So what do we do about it?
Personal therapy conducted before and during the course of a relationship may contribute to positive relationship functioning (Sandberg et al., 2012).
Relationship therapists recognise certain behaviours, such as self-sabotage may lead to relationship dissolution. The Heads of Counselling Services (2010) at the Australian and New Zealand Student Services Association (ANZSSA) suggest that romantic relationship difficulties are the third most common presenting issue in psychotherapy.
What is not usually addressed is the individual’s role and need for individual psychotherapy in order to maintain a successful relationship, and notice triggers, which would normally result in self-sabotage behaviours.
There is a significant impact on mental health after a relationship breakdown.
Acknowledging the comorbidity between anxiety, depression and suicidal ideology following a relationship breakdown, the importance of intervention for individuals after relationship dissolution ought to be recognised (Gibb, Fergusson & Horwood, 2011).
Personal therapy as a tool for single individuals, should be examined with individual psychopathology, past traumas, attachment concerns, and future relationship goals in mind. Building a skill set of self-reflection, insight, noticing patterns and triggers, and implementing helpful coping tools may largely increase our chances of breaking the pattern of romantic self-sabotage in this difficult modern dating society.
